What Makes a Marriage Work?
Insights from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
By Dr. Shoaib Memon, MD – Psychiatrist & Certified Group Psychotherapist
Building a strong marriage is about more than just love—it’s about skills, habits, and understanding. Whether you’re going through a rough patch or simply want to strengthen your connection, learning what makes relationships thrive can transform your partnership.
One of the most influential frameworks comes from Dr. John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Backed by over 40 years of research, Gottman outlines practical, science-based strategies that help couples improve emotional closeness, manage conflict, and build lasting intimacy.
Why Do Some Marriages Last While Others Struggle?
Successful marriages don’t happen by chance. They are the result of intentional choices couples make every day. Partners who thrive together respect and admire one another, stay curious about each other’s thoughts and feelings, and manage disagreements with empathy rather than criticism. They also build a life filled with shared rituals and values, giving their relationship a sense of meaning and purpose. These are the qualities that form the foundation of Gottman’s seven principles.
What Are Gottman’s Seven Principles for a Successful Marriage?
1. How Can “Love Maps” Improve Your Relationship?
A love map is your mental guide to your partner’s inner world. It means knowing what excites them, what stresses them out, and what dreams they hold for the future. Couples who keep updating their love maps stay emotionally connected and avoid drifting apart.
2. Why Is Fondness and Admiration So Important?
Appreciation is like oxygen for a relationship. When you notice the good in your partner and express it often, you create a positive emotional climate. Even small acts of gratitude—like complimenting your partner or thanking them for everyday efforts—help keep resentment at bay.
3. What Does It Mean to “Turn Toward” Your Partner?
Everyday moments often hold the key to long-term intimacy. When your partner makes a small bid for attention—such as sharing a funny story or asking for help—responding warmly shows them you are emotionally available. Consistently turning toward each other strengthens trust and builds a sense of partnership.
4. Should You Let Your Partner Influence You?
In a healthy marriage, decisions are not one-sided. Allowing your spouse to influence you, and respecting their perspective even when it differs from yours, fosters equality. This mutual give-and-take prevents power struggles and builds a stronger sense of teamwork.
5. How Do Happy Couples Manage Conflict?
Conflict is inevitable, but the way couples handle it makes all the difference. Starting conversations gently instead of with criticism, listening carefully, and offering repair attempts when things get heated are all effective strategies. These small efforts prevent disagreements from turning into long-lasting wounds.
6. What Does It Mean to Overcome Gridlock?
Recurring arguments often hide deeper emotional needs or unspoken dreams. For example, a couple may fight repeatedly about money, but the real issue may be security or independence. By uncovering the meaning behind the conflict, couples can move from stalemate to deeper understanding.
7. How Do Couples Create Shared Meaning?
Thriving marriages are about more than avoiding fights. Couples who feel fulfilled create shared rituals, values, and long-term goals. Whether it’s family traditions, spiritual practices, or shared dreams for the future, these elements give a relationship depth and direction.
What Are the “Four Horsemen” That Can Destroy a Marriage?
Gottman also warns about destructive communication patterns he calls “The Four Horsemen.” The first is criticism, which focuses on attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior. The second is contempt, which shows up as sarcasm, eye-rolling, or disrespect, and is one of the strongest predictors of divorce. The third is defensiveness, where a partner deflects blame instead of taking responsibility, creating further conflict. Finally, stonewalling occurs when one partner emotionally withdraws or shuts down, leaving issues unresolved. Recognizing these patterns and replacing them with healthier communication styles is essential for long-term relationship health.
How Can Therapy Help Couples Apply These Principles?
Even when couples understand these ideas, it can be difficult to change old habits on their own. Therapy provides a safe space to explore sensitive issues, learn practical tools for communication, and practice healthier ways of handling conflict. With professional guidance, couples can identify what keeps them stuck and find new ways to reconnect. Therapy not only helps resolve current challenges but also equips partners with skills to sustain closeness and intimacy for the long run.
Final Thoughts: Can You Strengthen Your Marriage?
The answer is yes. Strong marriages are not free of conflict, but they are built on respect, empathy, and intentional effort. By practicing Gottman’s seven principles and avoiding harmful communication patterns, couples can create a relationship that feels supportive and enduring. If you and your partner want to take the next step toward building a stronger marriage, consider reaching out for professional support. A more connected, meaningful partnership is within reach.